Fashion
There are millions of things I don’t get in life. One of them is fashion. I just can’t work out why millions of people splash out hundreds, sometimes thousands, of pounds at a time on a handbag for example just because Paris Hilton had one the day before. I mean, before Paris strutted from nightclub to nightclub with that handbag it was only 50p at ASDA, but as soon as the fashion magazines move in, Harrods start selling the same bag for £400. That means that some poor (and rather idiotic) bloke in Indonesia gets 2p a day for making 100 handbags which Harrods sell for £399.97 profit each.
The other day I got some really cool brand new clothes which had only just come out and are apparently ‘in’ at the moment. I chose one of my new styles to wear for a whole day, everybody comments on how cool looking it is, asks how much it is and if they can feel the fabric. Instantly I feel like a spoilt pampered pet poodle. Then I get home, my sister walks past me in the hallway with a plate of pickled… whatever that shit was, gives me an evil eyeful and remarks “God… that’s soooo five minutes ago”.
I don’t mean to be bland, but ‘five minutes ago’? So what’s suddenly ‘in’ now? See through latex thongs with bunny ears attached?
You must admit that the effects the media and fashion are having on youngsters are devastating. I honestly feel deeply sorry for those fellas in the sewers shovelling through bulimic puke blocking up the pipes. The other night I accidentally sat on the remote, as a result the TV eerily switched to the fashion channel where this thing about nude models was on. As a model in a clear see-through coat, knickers and bra dragged her bony toes along the catwalk, the invisible bloke who chats to you on almost every channel said something like “and here’s Danielle with the brand new fashionable look, its amazing folks, don’t you wish you just had it”? What, the plastic undies or the live skeleton? I mean, if people call those walking stick insects ’sexy’ then I think we’re going to have serious psychologist shortages. The only reason why our dentist surgeries are getting clogged up is because the dentist is a part time shrink. I immediately grabbed the remote and punched every button in existence in a frantic race to save my dinner from mimicking Mount Helena.
A quick note to girls who want to be stick thin: Don’t bother; you’ll do more harm than good. Besides, men like curves, right guys?
Talking about models, Kate Moss is an old tarty slapper. Kate released her new clothing range the other day, I saw them, and they’re ******* crap. Who in their rightful sane minds would walk around the high street in size zero shorts, cut so that when you bend over you’ll be showing off more than you ever wanted to? Who wears a bikini which automatically drops to show more whenever a wacko-sicko-pervo walks past? Or a cardigan which is actually no difference to a garter belt? Come on Kate, get a brain, you’re killing people here. I mean, seriously Kate, the way I see it there are three options to escape my future criticism aimed at you: 1) fatten up and get psychological help, 2) dump Pete, give up the crack, lead a normal life, or 3) take an overdose.
And don’t go writing that bullshit about ‘poor childhood’ in your books.
I agree with what Lily Allen said about Kate during an interview. Lily’s ‘chav to chic’ fashion style, in my mind, is a lot more appropriate for people than Kate’s miniature hooker collection. Lily, unlike most girls, is satisfied with her curves, and so am I, Lily is a great role model to youngsters and teenagers (except for the boozing). Although Lily’s a bit on the wild side for me, I think the two of us would make great pals.
When I went up to Norfolk the other week on a family holiday my sister and her best friend spent four hours pampering themselves on our last day for a late night disco. Earlier they said they will wear their best designer clothes, perfect their ‘perfect’ makeover and whatnot. By the time they finished they looked like something from a Stephen King novel; tight shirts, orange faces, Marge Simpson hair, cramped shoes and miniature skirts. I hate miniature skirts; to me girls who wear them have absolutely no respect for society at all. They go out in all sorts of hours looking like they’ve just finished a shift in the red light district, flashing their thongs and g-strings at weirdo’s and paedophiles. I mean girls wearing tarty little clothes like that are just looking for trouble. I support feminist beliefs and therefore totally agree that mini skirt girls are degrading themselves as well as other women. It’s getting so bad that the mini skirt crowd have even started to claim that they’re feminists, thinking that ‘feminism’ means pinky girly toys and girly fun.
Have you ever seen a modelling show? Sometimes those models are forced into ridiculous ‘clothes’ that absolutely nobody would even touch with a nine foot cattle prod. I promise you that if I ever see anybody in the street wearing a large skirt supported by a frame, a toilet roll top and a dead cat on the head, then I’ll eat a live rattlesnake. I can just about imagine aliens landing on Earth for the first time being greeted by a flock of humans dressed in dead swans, they’ll go “**** this!” and bugger off. With a bit of luck they’ll also order the Death Star to put us out our misery.
Fashion is so fricking… there isn’t even a word for it. You wouldn’t catch me dressing like those fashion twits in a kazillion bizzillion gizzilion prizillion years.
Now where did I put my Armani suit?
